Mark Steyn returns to Macleans

He's back, and demographically feistier than ever:

Anything happen while I was gone?

Oh, yeah. The collapse of the global economy. Armageddon outta here. The ecopalypse is upon us. Down south, President Obama has abandoned the gaseous uplift of "the audacity of hope" and warns we're on the brink of the abyss. In the old New Deal, FDR warned that "we have nothing to fear but fear itself." For the new New Deal, President Hopeychangey says we have nothing but fear itself. Get used to it. In Russia, the nation's wealthiest oligarchs have seen their net worth decline by two-thirds. They can't steal it as fast as it depreciates. Even yard sales of Soviet nukes to chaps with Waziristani business cards won't make it up.

The only thing booming is declinism. In Britain, the Baby Boomers are now "Baby Gloomers," according to the Daily Telegraph's Elizabeth Grice, who gives the impression she's working it up into a book proposal for one of those slim volumes of contemporary manners one keeps in the guest "loo," amusingly illustrated with line drawings of once prosperous middle-class couples reduced to trawling the supermarket shelves for bargain "wine boxes" and microwaveable "Italian-style" focaccia. In the U.S., Steven Kotler thinks this is no time to get hung up on details. The planet is going to hell. So what's the big picture? The rooty-tootiest root cause of all?

Answer: motherhood and apple pie. If we didn't have so much motherhood, we wouldn't have all these people eating apple pies, manufactured in a plant in Guangdong and then shipped on some massive floating carbon footprint all the way to Price Chopper in Cedar Rapids. Motherhood is the root cause. As Mr. Kotler says:

"You don’t need to ask what you need to do for the world. You already know.
"Stop having children. It's that easy."

It really is! So he's calling for a five-year moratorium on having children, planet-wide. The Soviets had five-year plans but Mr. Kotler wants a five-year ban — "because a billion less people is a great place to start." Key word: "start." Experts agree that the carrying capacity for the planet is about two billion people. Actually, they don't agree: some of the earthier-than-thou eco-types say it's only 300 million. But Mr. Kotler doesn't want to sound like an extremist or anything, so he's starting with that best-case scenario. If the planet's carrying capacity is two billion tops, we need to unload a good 4½ billion. And, while no one outside of Dutch hospitals is arguing for compulsory euthanasia (yet), not adding to the total would be "a great place to start."

Do you sometimes think that perhaps Agent Smith's diatribe about humanity as a virus somehow got mislabelled as a biology lecture?

"I'd like to share a revelation that I've had, during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you aren't actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with its surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply, and multiply until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? — A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague, and we . . . are the cure."